Holidays can be tricky and stressful for many families and especially for interfaith ones. Dubbed the December dilemma and wrought with competitiveness, alienation, disloyalty, and compromise, the questions of how to observe, celebrate, and even decorate for the holidays can be a contentious one. A recent New York Times article by Julie Scelfo, delves into the dilemma in several families.
Many couples attempt celebrating both Hanukkah and Christmas and decorate their homes likewise: “What can be seen from outside has to be completely 50-50,” says one Brooklyn mother. “If there are Christmas lights up, there have to be Hanukkah lights up too. I don’t want it to look outwardly like we’re more one than the other.”
Extended families, however, throw another wrench in the plans and often refuse to accept the compromise. One Maryland family puts up a tree every year, but only after the mother-in-law has visited so as not to offend her.
Another couple raising their son Jewish ostensibly agreed to still celebrate Christmas, but it’s done so begrudgingly by the Jewish partner who bristled when he heard their 3-year-old son singing a Christmas carol and was indignant when his Episcopalian partner put on a cd by Dianna Krall of Christmas standards.
Read the full article to see how other interfaith families handle the holidays.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? How does your interfaith family deal with the December dilemma?
(Image by Lisa Adams for The New York Times)
© 2010 Apartment Therapy
I found the whole article very very sad. It seemed like a bunch of parents trying to sabotage each other and their relationships with their own children.
I admit, I lucked out. My spouse is just fine with our raising our daughter (to be) in a Jewish household. We have never celebrated Christmas in the house and plan to keep it that way. We will have one set of grandparents giving Christmas gifts, I guess, and that does frighten me a bit.
Any good experiences out there??
view alisa k's profile
We just welcomed our first child into the world last month and are now wrestling with the issue. I found the article to overhype the issue a bit, but its definitely there. We celebrated both when we started living together (Hannukah gifts under $15 per night with a running theme) and will continue the tradition.
I (Jewish) came to accept the tree (and the in-laws) a couple of years ago. Hell, gifts are gifts.
I guess the bigger issue in our house is how to deal with religion when neither is particularly religous.
view cweingarten's profile
I call December the marathon of celebrations because I was raised in the Christian Church and my husband is Jewish and neither of us are particularly religious. I tried to recreate my Christmas extravaganzas and give equal effort to Hanukafor for our children with Dec birthdays. I have come to feel that the frenzy of buying is some residual ancestral behavior from well founded fear of the dark days of winter. " Festivus" or "Saturnalia" is the better expression of the indulgence and excess of the holiday season. The spiritual element can be crushed under the burden of trying to get and give the right gifts. Trying to make Chrismas the same for my children as it was for me, was in hindsight, doomed to fail. Now I am much more relaxed and enjoy the flexabiltiy. We were never competitive or sabotaging like the people in the times article and our now teenaged children are faithful and appreciative of the rituals of family celebration, but have an outsider's perspective on both holidays.
view Kate (NC)'s profile
I love our Decembers. We celebrate only Hanukkah at home, but we usually visit my parents during school break and enjoy their Christmas celebrations. I do not miss all the Christmas hoopla or stress and get enough doses of Christmas cheer from elsewhere to keep me from feeling left-out among my Jewish hubby and kids. But I do tend to make a bigger deal about Hanukkah than is waranted, I suppose. Not only did I make latkes 5 times over the course of the week, but we lit 6 menorahs every night!
So far we've found that our 6-year-old understands the "birthday party" analogy. Just like you can have fun at a birthday party without it being your birthday, you're allowed to have fun at Grandma's during Christmas without it being your holiday. I figured that if we were raising our kids Christian, I would welcome Hanukkah and Passover celebrations as a way to expand their cultural knowledge and honor their family. I wouldn't be worried it would detract from their Christianity.
view avimom's profile