We are a little behind on our reading, but thought that this article on co-sleeping in the NYT was worth mentioning.
Some families choose to co-sleep, others do not, and there isn't a one-size-fits-all right answer as to whether or not families should share a bed. So we were more than a little surprised by the tone of the NYT article about the subject.
According to this article, co-sleeping seems to be a result of bad parenting, lack of limit setting, and a problem that requires professional intervention (at exhorberant rates) to solve.
More and more, we are getting frustrated with the tone of parenting articles in the NYT - are we really all so helpless and unable to maintain order in our homes, bowing down to the little emperors we are raising, incapable of solving parenting issues without paying experts to tell us that our kids are running (and ruining) our lives?
Are we?
Illustration by Stephen Webster for NYT
© 2009 Apartment Therapy
I do think that a lot of co-sleeping in the city results from parents who are unable to set limits and who not wish to co-sleep. Sure, there are many who choose to, and that's great--but that's a whole different thing from the parent who co-sleeps because it's the only thing that allows everyone to get sleep.
And, yes, unfortunately, I do think many parents are incapable of maintaining order, judging by interactions I see in public. My old boss was an example of this, and a few years later, said she realized that she let the kids run the show because she felt guilt about having an all-consuming career. (I'm sure there are SAH parents who do it for other reasons, so I'm not chalking it all up to career guilt or anything, just giving one example.)
I do think the kids run the show in a lot of NY families. there's a lot of guilt, and a lot of people have had children later in life and for some reason I sense that makes for a more indulgent parent (more money? less energy? not sure).
also, kristin, this article is about older kids ending up in their parents' bed - not co-sleeping with a baby. IMO those are two different situations, and frowning upon the former does not necessarily mean you don't support the latter.
yeah, from what i read in the article, this addresses the problem of older kids who take over the parents' bedroom and the parents are not happy about it. it's not a slam on co-sleeping. i'm sure that there are plenty of people who are happy to share a bed with their kids but this article is not about them. personally, i learned a lot reading this. i'm not a fan of co-sleeping past the age of six months so i hope to glean some info on how to deal with it. it works for many happy families, but i know that it won't work for me.
I don't think co-sleeping as a choice is the problem. The article is clearly about co-sleeping by default and the underlying problem of parents being unable to set boundaries.
Hubby and I chose not to co-sleep right at the outset and ever since our toddler started sleeping on a bed, we've shut his bedroom door (and ours!) at night. Even when he wakes up at night, he stays in bed--he knows we'll hear him and come in soon to see what's wrong. (But in the morning, he'll get up if we take too long, usually on Saturday mornings.)
To be fair, if you don't teach your babies/toddlers how to sleep on their own, you can't expect them to be happy when one day you decide to toss them out of their normal routine because you've decided it's inconvenient for you. It'll take effort from everyone to change learned behaviour.
I generally agree that the article laments co-sleeping by default rather than by choice, but also find that the Times has a odd take on the whole problem. The parents profiled all seemed surprised that their children would reject huge beautifully decorated bedrooms with deluxe 4-poster princess beds for the warmth and security of their parents' bed --as if no child in his right mind would not want to sleep alone in a queen-sized bed with designer sheets. Well, maybe these kids care more about being with their parents than material luxury goods, which is really a good thing in a way, isn't it?
Susan - I though the preoccupation with fairytale rooms was also a little odd. If anything, I would have thought making the kids' bedrooms look and feel more similar to their parents' would be more helpful.
My former roommate is a SAHM whose husband is away frequently for longish business trips. She was kind of lonely, so she started letting her toddler sleep with her when Hubby was gone.
The kid is almost NINE now, and still wants to sleep with her mom. Her bedroom is a playroom and nothing more. The master bedroom is covered with toys and kid's clothing, and Hubby now frequently sleeps on the sofa.
Co-sleeping with an infant to make midnight feedings easier? Sure. Co-sleeping because you're too insecure in your parenting abilities to make the kids go back to their own beds? Not so much.
You have to start from day-one, that way its a non-issue. You are the parent you set the guidlines. You buy a crib, decorate the nursery...hello! That is the baby's room! My 2yo has never slept in our bedroom!