apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

I don't know if there is a conscious divide, but as a young mom (23) I know I feel uncomfortable with thirty-somethings moms whose children are in the same daycare program as mine. I think young moms feel uncomfortable with two separate groups: the women our age who have decided to put off having children (despite having lives outside of our children we are often perceived differently) and those 10 years older than us who are also starting their families.

There's definitely some sort of gap...I notice it most with the first-time moms like me. I have a very different outlook on parenting since I'm at first-time mom at 27 and they at 35. Most older moms had/have a career and deal with different issues, whereas I only had 3 years in my chosen field and now I'm a SAHM. It's harder to relate in some things, just the basic cultural links (like blogs) but also in things like fashion-- I feel very underdressed and kid-like compared to the well-dressed older moms I encouter who treat motherhood like a career with all the competition that goes with it. I've also found that even younger moms (those in the 19-23 year range who may be in the middle of college) feel almost ashamed that they are having kids this young. They feel weird taking birth classes with people 10-15 years older, when I think they should be glad they are young!

Here in Quebec there is a lot of young mom (25 to 30). The goverment is giving such a good parental leave, more and more young couple decide to have kids. I don't really encounter that problem. But I know also older mom (35 to 40) and most of them have the same embission in life, which to raise their children the best they can.

But here we have nurses that come and ''help'' you with your newborn to see if the baby is healthy, gaining enough weight and help you breastfeed(when you choose to and they kind of force you). And those nurse judge what kind of family you are wether you are regular or vulnerable. They judge it with a wounderfull computer program according in the neighbourghood you live, the amount of money your family make and degree of education.

And I, with 2 college degree, being a young mom (25) and living in a changing neighbourghood (poor to middle class), our family got a vulnerable.

And this apply when you are looking for daycare center for your kid, this judgement can also cost you a place in a good daycare because your kid is ''challenging'' according to social service. So I had to show the nurse we were a regular family by meeting her 15 times in the first 5 months of life of my daughter and prooving her I was a responsable parent. And all this because a stupid computer program said we were not good enough.

Anyway my point is that in USA, it's society that is judging you, here (Canada) it's a computer program. I would rather soceity because it is easier to ignore.

interesting! I think there is a divide, especially when the agen difference is really big, say, between a 40 year old mother and a 25 or 26 year old. I had my first child at 30, but not out of choice, I had been ttc for 5 years. The best thing about starting young is that if you have any problems to get pregnant time is on your side. Also, this is a generalisation, but older moms tend to be more ambitious and anxious for their children (playing music to their belly and showing index cards with pictures on them) while younger parents are more laid back

It seems that the discomfort is coming mostly from the younger parents. Maybe they are still "immature" enough to really care what other people think and worry about being judged - regardless of whether there is judging going on. Or maybe there is a gap but the older parents don't let it get to them?

About the computer program in Canada: never heard of it before, so it must just be unique to Quebec, probably in relation to the daycare program the province has established. And about the daycare program: it is government monitored and funded, and costs just $7/day (yes, it is AMAZING). I would peg that as more of an incentive for young parents to have children than the Canadian/Quebec maternity benefits (in Canada, it is 1 year of benefits, with employer contributions it can go up to 93% of your salary, with none, approximately 50%; in Quebec, it is increasing to 2 years of benefits), as mothers do not have to struggle financially while still in school or when starting out in their careers.

I am a 40 year old mom of 2, and find that I am a calmer and more confident parent than the younger moms I run into (25 - 30), although most moms I know are around 35-37 still.

No, I have never been "anxious and ambitious" for my children, or shown them index cards. However, we are better off financially than the younger parents, and so are able to afford things like Montessori pre-school and European toys and such. I would say that is the biggest difference.

The younger moms I know are just trying to finish off their education and find work, and are very stressed with the juggling act they have to perform.

I just find it interesting to see what age people consider moms young or old. I always thought if you were under 25 you are a young mom, over 25 an older mom. I can see how people would think 35 is an older mom though.

I had my first at 28 and felt like an older mom, but I still felt very inexperienced and really quite shocked at the change in my life initially. In the very beginning I let some people (usually much older family members) tell me what I should be doing as a mom. After a year and a half I take others' strong opinions with a grain of salt.

It seems most of the moms around me are able to relate and learn from eachother regardless of age.

By the way it is related with 7$/day daycare. What you probebly don't now is that you are better inscribe your kid when you are at your 20th week of pregnancy if not you won't have any place. And you will be stock sendind your kid to some private daycare.

I had my first child at 32 and I'm pregnant with my second at 34. I never really considered myself an older mom. I've met moms of all ages but my core group of friends tend to be in the 32-38 age range. We have all had careers and we all chose to wait to have kids. On various occasions we've all commented on the fact that we waited because we felt when we were younger we were too immature and a little too selfish to be the great parents we hoped to one day become. We waited until we were financially secure and emotionally mature enough to become parents and then we chose to stay at home with the kids or we work part time. As a result we do tend to stimulate our kids and encourage them to learn things and experience things. I don't think that makes us more "anxious". It just makes us dedicated parents who want the best for our kids.

Hm, I'm a 37-year-old mom of a preschooler, and I'm expecting baby #2 in March, so I guess that makes me one of those older moms. I've never perceived an age-related divide, so I'm inclined to think that this "friction" issue is just another media thing.

Sure, I tend to befriend other moms who are in their 30s, but that's not to do with anything other than the fact that, hello, ALL my friends -- moms or not -- are in their 30s. I also tend to befriend women who read a lot and admit to watching America's Next Top Model. Oh no, there's another divide! Someone call New York Magazine with the scoop!

As an aside, my sisters all had their kids while in their 20s, and I'm the only one who waited, and I've never felt that we judged each other... other than the fact that my two younger sisters think it's HILARIOUS that their "old" sister is pregnant, and that they have school-age kids while I'm dealing with baby and toddler issues. :)

I don't know about friction but as a younger mom (I'm 25 and expecting my second and third(twins)), I feel occasional envy towards those who are already established in their careers and are better off socioeconomically though my husband and I are both quite educated. I also think that I'm as ambitious as anyone though I try to be laid back for my kids' sake.
That said I do feel fortunate to be a younger mom in terms of energy and fertility. I also think it is, will be, nice for my kids.
My mother had me at 21 and finished grad school after having 5 of us and its worked out for her.
I guess its less conflict than my own comparisons and complexes.

I recently had my first child at 33 and while I don't think of myself as older I guess I am. Most of my female friends are my age or older and many of us have young kids or starting to try to have kids or are freaking out about not being in a place in their life where they can have kids.

I live in a big city and I honestly don't see younger moms, although I guess they are out there. I would consider a "younger mom" to be anyone younger than 30. (Of course, I would probably say the same age for a "younger bride.")

We have such lame parental leave laws in this country. Why aren't any of the presidential candidates talking about that!

I am a college educated 24 year old mom of a six month old living in Oakland, CA. I do sense a schism between younger and older moms. My mother was 36 when she had me and I am her only child. My father had a child by his first wife when he was in his early twenties. There are many differences in how we were raised. My sister was born when my dad was still in grad. school, so they had a small apartment and later, a small house. She went to public school. However, she was also very close to our grand parents and my dad had a lot more energy to do things with her. He looks back at those times as very challenging, but a lot of fun (probably through rose colored glasses).

I, on the other hand, went to fancy private schools, traveled the world with my parents and had a lot more monetary advantages. And yet, I always wanted to be a younger mom. My parents were farther along in their careers when I was born, which afford us these things, but it also meant that they worked through a lot of my childhood. Because my mom put off having children, she only had one and now I am jealous of people with siblings their own age. My grandma had a debilitating stroke when I was five and although I've been told I'm a lot like her, I never really knew her.

Growing up in private schools, most parents were the same age as mine so I began to think that successful people have kids later in life while its the lower to lower/middle class who marry out of high school and start their families because they really have no other ambition in life. Now that I am a 24 year old mom, I don't hold it against the people who might judge me on the street because I used to think the same thing. I have come to believe what my father said, "That life is trade-offs." My son might not be able to travel the world (especially in this economy), we live in a small house and I'm having to take time off of work since I can't afford the Bay Area's infant day care rates (at least not those that I would trust). But, I have energy, many years ahead of me and lots of family still around who are eager to help. If I was older, I would have more resources and hopefully be able to hire help to make up for my lack of energy...but my son wouldn't know his grandparents the way they are now and wouldn't have his parents for as long.

Oh, I definitely feel the awkward-ness in being a young mom. I'm a mom of 3 by the time I was 27 and its always been hard to find a mom's group I truly fit in or make friends with parents at my son's school (even though they are very kind and hospitable). But I occasionally feel the prejudice from my son's teachers (usu. the older ones).

My husband and I are young professionals (we both finished college) and since he's in the computer-field, we have done well. Both of the neighborhoods we live in tend to have families with older parents (35-45). Since my oldest is 9, I can't tell you how many stares we get when I walk into open house or teacher conferences. I feel like I must wear makeup (to appear older) or dress Talbot-esque to be taken seriously when I appear at any parent function.

Just recently, I decided to give up and just dress my normal self and forgo the stares. Yes, it can get a little annoying to keep saying.."no, I'm not his sister or no, i'm not the nanny (lol)..I'm their mom" but I think my kids appreciate having a young mom. I noticed I'm the only mom on the playground who get down to their level and play on the playground equipment with them like going down the slide or climbing the equipment. Don't know if that's the "young factor" or girls of any age don't like to get dirty..LOL.

I'm a "young" mom of two (27), soon to be three and sure I have felt a bit awkward about having children so soon. I did finish college but most (if not all) my friends went on to university and grad school... many of them are still in school!
That being said I am proud to be a young mom, I think although being a young parent has it's challenges, parenthood at a young age allows you to grow with your child. I do admit though when I go to play groups it can be weird talking with women 10 years older than me but more because I don't have much in common (I don't have a mortgage or a car and my husband doesn't travel on business... I know, I'm generalising) and I fear saying something that would seem immature (I look younger than I am) but apart from that I have learnt to look past the age and focus on our similarities... our kids!!!

"It seems that the discomfort is coming mostly from the younger parents. Maybe they are still "immature" enough to really care what other people think and worry about being judged - regardless of whether there is judging going on. Or maybe there is a gap but the older parents don't let it get to them?
posted by sebnmg on 2008-01-23 10:51:46
view sebnmg's profile "

sebnmg, while I understand what you are saying you might want to look at it from another perspective. Since more and more women are having children later on in life they aren't the ones who are feeling alienated, it's the younger parents so although it might be easy for you to chalk it up to being "immature" it may be that "younger" parents really don't feel that they are fitting in.

The generalizations and rationalizations coming from the younger crowd are starting to irk...

For starters, I may have started having children at 37 and may now be over 40, but I am not an exhausted old geezer with fertility problems, thank you very much (got pregnant first try, and don't have any less energy than younger moms). And we actually have MORE family to help out now than if we we would have had our children younger: our parents were all working then and not able to help; now they are retired, and have the time, energy and money to be with us. And my husband's grandmother is in perfect health and very spry at 101, so we hope her genes have been passed down.

Often the choice about when to have children is down to demographics: my husband and I are both Generation-Xers, and true to form, when we made it out of grad school, the economy tanked and there were no jobs. Everyone we know, all our friends and family who are the same age, delayed having children until their 30s for the same reason -- everyone graduated in debt, and had a hard time getting established. There was a point in the mid '90s when EVERYONE in our generation in my husband's family (including spouses) was unemployed -- all 12 of us.

The Washington Post article was pretty lame, and poorly written, but the gist of it seemed to be that 20-somethings that have children find that their former friends can't relate to them (and vice versa) because the trend is to have children later, and they are intimated by the older parents (and don't relate to people who grew up listening to the Stones) who seem to make up the bulk of parents these days. Sounds more like a story about how bucking a demographic trend can be a little lonely -- the idea of an age-divide strife is a manufactured one.

I married and had children young, then returned to college when my boys went to school. The "older" mothers are right: it's hard to juggle college and a fledgling career while raising small children. We were less established, both financially and as a couple, when our children were born. Part of me would love to experience motherhood as a more secure and mature woman. But there was also a simplicity to being a young family that my current complicated life would never have allowed for. We weren't chasing careers, nervous about home prices, stocks, social connections, appearances, lawn maintenance, hiring and firing housekeepers, gardeners, caterers, etc. Being young, simple, and somewhat poor allowed us to focus our attention and energies on our boys while they were very young, and in my opinion in need of our constant attention.
Most of my friends finished college, grad school, law school, etc. before having a child, which means that they invested years in an education that they only used for a year or two before quitting to become mothers. I'm not sure that makes any more sense than the path I chose.
But let's focus on being good mothers, at any age, education level, or economic group. To do that, we need to support one another and allow for all our differences!