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Hello...moms are going to keep having these pointless discussions as long we each continue to allow them to be defined by gender. When you start asking my husband about reconciling *his* dreams and ambitions with fatherhood, then we might get somewhere with all this. It drives me crazy that men are assumed not to have the same struggles...

I do agree with avimom that as long as we define these changes as changes for "mom", that we will continue to be treated as "moms" and not "parents."
I can truly relate to the point in the article about how so many people cannot take the amount of leave they are entitled to. I have 3 month old twin boys, and because I work for a small firm, I did not get a "maternity leave" but instead had to use what little PTO time I had saved up. This was really a difficult situation since I was put on bedrest in mid December and didn't have the boys until February. Add to that the weeks after the boys were born, and it really adds up. My employers are really great to work for and allowed me to take as much time as I needed but I ended up going back to work earlier than I was ready to because we couldn't afford it. Instead, I now "owe" my company a significant amount of hours which at least allows me to continue getting some income and pay the hours back gradually rather than not getting paid for a chunk of time. This is a very real issue that needs attention. It has hurt us.

Another divisive topic. I thought the gains of feminism were choice -- having one. What you do with that choice was supposed to be respected, and yet, you're judged for making the "wrong" choice because it hurts working women with professional aspirations.

On top of that, our culture is not family-supportive. Not really. Maternity/paternity leave, childcare, preschooling are afterthoughts -- too bad, parents! Oh I more than get it.

I was thinking about this the other night, wondering if I made the right choice to leave my job. I had a difficult delivery and the month or so following was terrible in every sense. I eventually decided to leave my job because I didn't think I'd be ready to go back once my leave was up.

First: 12 weeks of leave is a joke. If there are any complications before your baby is born it cuts into the overall time afterwards. It's ridiculous to think that 3 months 'ought to cover it'. It's not surprising that this country is yet again, woefully behind in seeing the advantages of longer leaves. If family comes first, as is projected by both political parties, then why is it economically and socially undermined at every turn?

Second: A feminist is a person that believes in forwarding and advancing the rights of women. If anyone can add to that cause in any way, big or small, then I am thankful. It's going to take a lot of us talking about a lot of things to make great change.

Not sure why, but I've never felt judged in any way for staying home. There are times I wish I were still working and I know it will be hard to get back in when I want to go back, but mostly I've just felt incredibly lucky to have the choice.

You could say that women have it easier in some regards. I mean, my husband never really had the choice. I don't think he ever considered that maybe he should stay home and I continue to work. I think stay-at-home dads really do face a lot of judgment.

I'm a feminist and I believe that we'd be better off if we quit with the debate about opting out v. opting in and focused instead on real issues like maternity leave, preschool, UPK, etc.

Hmm. Where to start? Well, let me preface by saying that I'm not a mom. In fact, the idea of motherhood terrifies me, for the very reason of not wanting to lose myself. I'm about 2 1/2 years away from a professional degree (education) and then I'll be able to start my new career, and I'll be in my early 30s. I'll also have been married for about 3 years by then, which means people will start asking (more often, since they started asking when we got engaged a year ago) when we're having kids. What is a girl to do in a situation like that? Career? Kids? Both seem rather time-limited, if you ask me.

My mom stayed home with us when we were little, but went to work part-time when we were in elementary school. I have no desire to stay at home with my kids - it's just not me. But I have a lot of friends who have made that decision, and it's thrown me for a loop. It's true that we don't actually have a gender-equal society, because no man, upon learning that his wife is pregnant, is asked if he's going to keep working. It doesn't become a huge issue for him. And yet no matter what a woman chooses, there are going to be people who think she made the wrong choice.

I think feminism is believing in equality - nothing more, nothing less. Not sameness, for I think we should be recognized for our abilities and skills that we all have as individuals that have nothing to do with our gender, but we are all equal. We should have equal opportunity, equal say, equal power, equal choice, equal value.

I might have to buy this book, if it really is as good as it sounds. Maybe I'll just borrow it from the library.

Maybe you're wondering why I even read ohdeedoh if I'm not a mom. My sister gave birth 18 months ago to the cutest most adorable little boy ever and I am so taken up with him that sometimes I can't help but peek in here and see what's new in the world of babies.

You have no desire to stay home with your kids? You think that way now.

There are more stay-at-home dads than you think. Sometimes the mom makes a whole lot more than the dad, so it makes more financial sense for whomever makes the least to be the primary caregiver.

I just have to say that staying home with a little one isn't about you, you, you all the time; it's really not. All this talk of losing oneself makes the transition seem much worse than it is. If you have a good partner, some help, etc., then you don't have to lose yourself.

While I haven't read Richard's book I would implore everyone to read, "The Real Wealth of Nations" by Riane Eisler or listen to her speak at http://www.newdimensions.org/program.php?id=3231 . It basically backs up genxmom's comments. No, we are NOT a family friendly society; look at the Scandinavian countries as case studies. They put family first and make it a TOP political priority. The result is a country stronger and wealthier- monetarily and socially. If we continue to raise our voices, I think we can change the way our country sees unpaid "parental leave" and all things family. Cheesy, I know, but this is one social issue I think we must ALL get behind and where applicable, act on. For more info visit: http://www.realwealtheconomy.com/

I had a baby 5 months ago and stayed at home for 3.5 months on maternity leave. When my husband and I started to think about having kids we decided that he would stay home and I would continue to work cause I make more money than he does and he was also thinking about a career change. Our families are in another state and not an option for daycare. I'm really happy with the decision when I see my son and husband together but it is really hard to leave them every morning to go to work. I have always considered myself a feminist and I am very successful at my career but I always thought I would be a stay at home mom for at least a few years. It's hard any way you slice it - I totally agree with other posters who have pointed out we are clearly not a family values country if we continue to view maternity leave as "short term disability".

i always thought that i would never want to stay home when i became a mom. wait--i never even thought that i would be a mom or married! but here i am, married, and mother to an 8 month old boy. i remember saying to the president of my company, "dont worry i will be coming back, im not the stay at home type." at the time i thought that my maternity leave was generous but now in hindsight, its was pretty terrible. i had the time off but i was only paid for two weeks and the disability checks were embaressing.
but now, ive just given notice, realizing that i cant get back this time with my son. no matter what. i am very scared at the prospect of not having adult interaction all day, and this is something that i am working on. i am taking this opportunity (and a very lucky opportunity i have) to be with my son, and work on my own projects. my husband as said numerous times that he would be more than willing to be a stay at home dad, but since his job supplies our family's very nice health insurance he will remain in the work force.
i think that the women who stay home are brave and dedicated but at the same time i also feel that women who are returning to work, and leaving their children in the hands of another (or father or partner) all day are just as admirable. i can speak from both sides here, its exhausting to be a mother no matter what your circumstance.
what i do think? people are debating about it too much and quite often the people who this most intense views on the issues arent even parents at all.

Not every mother wants to stay home, just like not all want to work. Why is that so hard to understand? Sure, there are people who change their minds (both ways, I might add), but I know plenty of women who didn't want to stay home who were happy with that choice after having kids, and plenty of women who did want to stay home who were happy with that choice.

You can't even know how your best friend will feel after having a child, let alone a stranger on the internet.

I'm with Julianna on focusing our energies on other issues.

My daughter turns 14 next week. I had six weeks of maternity leave. Then I was back at work and she was home with her dad during the day and he worked nights on his degree. By the time my son came along 11 years ago, it was more cost effective for me to quit working because my husband had the better paying job and great insurance.

So when my son was 5, I was ready to go back to work at least part time. The week before he started kindergarten he was diagnosed with AML leukemia. A very sick child is a full time job that doesn't pay and costs a lot. It started with 5 months in the hospital and then constant doctor visits. He had a transplant when he relapsed 2 years later - lots more hospital time. He made it 4 and half years before he passed away last year. He was amazing, brave, bright and funny beyond his 10 years and I helped parent him through the end of his life. And parent his sister through the loss of her only brother and constant pal.

Whatever choices you make they are choices. Sometimes the choice is taken out of your hands. We have to respect the right of every parent to parent to the best of their ability and respect that what they do is right for them. And that we don't know the whole story about how they got where they are.

I loved my little boy and I don't regret a moment of the time, but I can't say that I wasn't changed or "lost" in my role as mother. It continues to be the defining fact of my life.