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Don't stay more than 30 minutes and bring food!

We had a couple with kids that visited us after our first baby was born and she stayed a short amount of time and brought a grocery bag full of easy to eat and prepare stuff (roasted veggies from the deli counter, a rotisserie chicken, and chocolate covered pretzels!). That was the most memorable gift we received in those early weeks.

I would suggest calling after a few days and asking if you can bring by some food and visit for a very short time. Then call as you are heading over, so mom can attempt to brush her teeth and put on a clean shirt!

Call her now, and tell her that you'd love to come visit her as soon as she's ready. Ask her to call you when she'd like a visit. That way she knows that you'd really like to see her and the baby, but the ball is in her court.

ask! And whatever you do don't call in unannounced

Here's what a friend did for me, which was so great I do it for all my friends now. Call and schedule a date to come with dinner for them. Bring hot dinner for them to eat right away, enough so there will be left-overs for lunch the next day. Also bring another large dinner to put in the fridge or freezer for another night/lunch.

Don't forget to bring the works: entree, salad, bread, wine, and dessert. It will be the only full meal they'll have for weeks and they'll love you for it!

Stay just long enough to coo over the baby, set the table, and poor the wine.

i second and third all these great suggestions for food. lots of our friends did the same thing for us when our daughter was born and it was great. call your friends anytime during the day. most people with a new baby know enough to turn off the ringer on the phone if they don't want to be disturbed and will let voicemail get it :) they'll call you back once they are ready!

After my firstborn was born, we had good friends visit the day after we came home from the hospital, which was sweet, but they overstayed and I was amazed at how overwhelmed it made me feel -- I totally had that "panicky mama hamster on the verge of eating her babies" feeling.

You said:

"What if the baby is asleep, or if my friend is asleep and I wake them all? Help!"

It's so nice of you to think of this. New families catch sleep at all hours, so it's really considerate to take ringing phones into account. I suggest emailing or instant-messaging them to set up a date.

And yes, bring food! Food is good!

When I had my little one everyone adhered to the "don't visit right away" rule and I was left to sit at home by myself while my boyfriend went back to work. Here I was with this tiny person who only ate and pooped. I was so lonely. I once held the mailman hostage for 15 minutes just so I could talk to someone during the day.

Call her and ask if she wants company. And bring her food, or take her out. My grandmother and aunt came down when Super Eli was 6 days old and took us all out to lunch. It was the best day. They fussed over Eli and allowed me time to shower and brush my hair and look presentable. That was a huge step in getting back to normal.

I wholeheartedly endorse the food idea, but I veer toward the snacky variety and not the meal variety. Friends of ours brought dinner when B was three weeks old and I hated it. But there I was, politely eating this lasagna, with these people who looked surprised every time I needed to do something to take care of the kid...and then there were tons of leftovers (which they had thoughtfully taken into account). If you know your friend's food tastes, go for the dinner route.

Now I give snacks - things that can be eaten while someone is breastfeeding or holding their kid for hours of the day. Nuts, dried cranberries, crackers, chocolate-covered pretzels, chocolate-covered peanuts, chocolate in any form. Neighbors of ours had a little one that was in the NICU for about two weeks. Ours was in the NICU for four days, so I knew what it was like. We gave them a grocery bag full of granola bars and those fruit-based sodas and other portable snacks.

Ring her before the birth to wish her luck and take the opportunity to ask her what her thoughts are regarding when she'd like you to visit. Once the baby is born give her a day or so and text/instant message her (or her partner) to find out if that plan still works. You would not believe the wide range of expectations people have on this matter and how those ideas can change after the birth. Some people want everyone around them, others have "rules" about what is appropriate. Its a happy time but also a stressful time for a new mum so indulge her any rules she may have and don't take personal offence if you find any ridiculous (We had a huge drama with family after the paediatrician recommended our baby not be picked up by visitors after one grandma had already had a cuddle and the other hadn't had her chance...aye aye aye!).

I totally agree with the very first statement in the comments - don't stay longer than 30min, and BRING FOOD. That is SUCH a huge blessing. I had a very horrible faux pas happen to us when Travis was a newborn... a certain family of relatives (we won't say who) came over to visit a few days after we came home from the hospital. They brought food over and began to help themselves to it before we could and then stayed for a few hours and turned on the baseball game. It was awful! I just wanted to hide!

snacks are wonderful - things she can just have by the bed, throw into her mouth without dishes, etc. also, ask her if there's a movie ot series she likes. the first month or so (for me) was all about nursing and watching netflix!
i agree that a 30 minute visit is as much as new moms should have to handle. and though she may not want to, offer to hold the baby while she showers, brushes her teeth, etc.
also, if it's a close friend and the baby is sleeping, offer to rub her feet. it's been shown that 15 minutes of massage daily is as effective at preventing post-partum depression as anti-depressants.
how thoughtful of you to be so considerate. you sound like a great friend!

Remember, although Mom may look healed she needs at least 8 weeks to heal internally. Emotionally, she may be nervous or anxious- especially if she is a first time mom. Be sensitive to this. If you are invited to visit, do not stay long (even if it seems like they want you to stay) and wash your hands before touching the baby.

I had no visitors for 2weeks, and loved the time with just my baby and ( when he wasn't working ), my husband.

After 2weeks, I cleaned up, dressed up, and invited everyone over for a 'meet n greet' and provided the type of party food you just whack into the oven and serve. So easy, and a good way of getting through everyone at once without having to see a LOT of people in dribs and drabs and totally exhausting yourself.

I'm planning on doing the same thing again, but then, these things are totally up to the individual, so YMMV, as they say ;)

But hurrah to you for being so considerate - lots of good advice in the comments above too.

:)

For the first few weeks, guests were welcome as long as they brought food or were picking up our laundry ;-)

I would suggest trying to visit in the early or mid-afternoon. This is sometimes a period of relative calm -- remember, newborns sleep a lot during the day. Early evening or night time is when things can get little hairy for everyone. Mom is tired, and baby is not! Also, don't expect to necessarily see the baby awake and alert (see above). For the suggestion of bring food -- that to me means bring food for them to eat later, not for them to serve & eat along with you. And be patient and don't get too offended when your friend has to hang up the phone in a hurry (from now through the next 18 years!).

Everyone is different so I would just ask your friend. I am sure if they don't want phone calls, they will turn off the ringer and let voice mail or the machine get it. The only time we turned some friends down for a visit is when they called at 10 pm and wanted to drop by. I am not sure what they were thinking.

One more thing, which Patricia's comment about washing your hands before holding the baby reminded me of: don't visit if you even SUSPECT that you might be coming down with something, even a minor little cold.

When Sam was six months old, he came down with a cold, which he probably caught from a friend who didn't think to warn us that she was sick. It was TERRIBLE. A cold for an infant is a serious matter. They can't breathe or clear their nose or cough, and the cold can turn ugly in hours. (This is how we learned that our doctor makes house calls for emergencies!)

The whole experience scared the living crap out of us, and even now, two and a half years later, I have a bit of a hard time not holding a grudge against our otherwise quite nice and well-meaning friend.

everyone has had great advice, the only things i would add:

- when you call and leave a message scheduling your visit, be sure to say exactly what your plan is -- and then stick to it. if you just want to stay long enough to drop off food and glance at sleeping baby, do it and be in and out in five minutes.

- don't expect to hold the baby. newborns sleep 18-23 hours a day.

- even if you scheduled a time to come by before the birth, or got the okay to come by "anytime," you should still call and make sure it's still okay. your friend might not have known how tired she would be.

but mostly, don't get your feelings hurt if your calls aren't returned immediately! you're eager to see the little one ...but so is everyone else in their lives. and the needs of their little family are more important than yours right now.

"When Sam was six months old, he came down with a cold..."

Whoops, I meant to say six WEEKS old. Colds at six months suck, too, but not nearly as much.