apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

We have a two-year-old boy, and while he was learning to walk, we used painter's tape on the floor to delineate "no-no zones." We put a line in front of the TV, a line around the wine cabinet, etc., and told him not to cross the no-no lines. It worked great, and we still use that trick in hotel rooms and at relatives' homes when we're on the road. Kids want to do the right thing -- they just need you to explain what the right thing is in terms they can understand.

Make sure you tell the boys where they CAN play and what they CAN do. Put a box of toys and other goodies (Tupperware, old magazines, dress-up clothes and hats, paper and crayons, other everyday things a toddler might find fun) in the room where they should spend most of their time. Toddlers also love to play with water (fill up the sink and let them "wash" non-breakable dishes, or let them pour water between plastic cups and pitchers of various sizes) and to "help" in the kitchen (make cookies or dinner rolls or a batch of Chex Mix).

Run the boys around outside as much as possible to keep them out of your stuff and to wear them out. Never underestimate the power of TV to keep toddler boys still for a bit as needed.

And it's your home, your rules. If Mom & Dad won't enforce them, you should. Don't be mean, but don't be a pushover either. A stern "Coloring on the walls is NOT okay at Aunt Nicole's house. Here's some paper for you to color on instead" should do the trick.

I would not "discipline" them in front of their parents. Especially don't say "no." But don't sit back and wait for the parents to step up, either. Say things like, "Would you like to look at that? I'll hold it for you to look at. This (unbreakable) thing over here is cool,too. Let's look at that." Or "Wow, you're a good couch jumper. Let's have a jumping contest down here, on the floor. Floor jumping is really tricky." The buzzword for this is "redirecting." The kids and
the 'rents may not even notice you're doing it...and that's when it really works. (Moreso with other people's kids, even.)

Just keep steering the activities to safer areas and keep the kids feeling included. Don't expect to be able to chill with the grown-ups with the 2-year-olds keep themselves entertained.

I think it's appropriate for you to lay down rules and enforce them when it comes to your home and your possessions - no jumping on the couch, etc - but not appropriate to attempt to govern their interactions with one another or toward their parents. You could also try pointing out inappropriate behavior to their parents, "I'm sorry, brother-in-law, but the twins aren't allowed to jump on the couch." and let them deal with it.

As far as clearing out your home, I think some amount of toddler-proofing is reasonable. Remove things that are breakable, dangerous, choking hazards, and secure cords that are easily accessible. Children that age like to explore, so don't assume that things behind cupboard doors are safe.

We just had in-laws visiting us in our home. I personally was really irritated when they tried to tell my daughter she couldn't play with or do things that she's allowed to do - climbing up on the couch to sit on it, for example, or using a butter knife.

I think that what it comes down to is that it's fine for you to place limits on their interactions with your things or your person. You don't have to sit by while they destroy your stuff, waiting for their parents to intervene.

As a parent, sometimes I am unsure of how others like things run in their home. I presonally try to keep a very careful eye on my toddler, but as I'm chatting I do miss some things. It would be nice for the host to jump in and say something if they would prefer my child not to touch this or that! I would prefer that over them getting frustrated or talking about me after I left. We all have different preferences and different ideas of what is okay and what isn't. If it really isn't okay, say something to the children. Then at least your brother will understand that you might care a bit more about your things.

As a mom who has had her own 2-year-old boy (not two of them granted), I'd say everyone above has given you really good advice.

Something that you might not have thought of is to keep in mind how exhausted parents of twins are. I'm not saying it's ok if they really don't discipline them but it could very well be that they are "picking their battles" and simply making a mess in their own home is not a battle worth fighting with two toddlers. You just clean up when they go to bed. So, what you might consider a lack of discipline may not be that at all. If you're not used to being around children that age, two of them can definitely seem like chaos on wheels but saying no to everything a toddler does that you don't like is simply not sustainable. You would say no all day long. You always have to redirect them, even your own kids. So, it is a great idea to have things prepared that they can do/touch/play with.

Also, if there is anything in your house that if it were to break/get ruined, you would be utterly heartbroken (not just nice dishes, real sentimental, irreplaceable value), move it to a friend's house or the trunk of your car. Seriously.

Try and keep in mind that it is only for a weekend (a long one I know - but it is not forever). As a parent of many... I know just getting to a weekend away is far more effort than I can achieve and frankly I would gladly stare at a blank wall the entire time! Brace yourself and keep a steady plan of activities up your sleeve - especially outdoor ones... fresh air is a toddler killer - really. You can really outwit these guys by giving them a task to do: can you stick these stickers onto this paper while I get your bath ready and so on... if you have something to distract them and keep them busy "planned and good to go" they will most likely follow your lead... by the end of the weekend you will be finished but happier that your space has survived and I can tell you the folks will be seriously grateful!

I have a 2 year old boy as well--our friends say he's like 3 little boys wrapped up in one. I like to think we are pretty strict and quick to discipline, especially when we are in someone else's home. But, two-year-olds do like to test boundaries, even those who are regularly disciplined. It's a very difficult age with lots of frustration for kids AND parents. Don't be afraid to kindly state a few rules. Put your most fragile items out of reach. Have a few activities available for them: paper and crayons, a board book, a toy cars, a ball for outdoors, or give them a paintbrush and cup of water and let them "paint" outside. Also a good idea to have a toddler-friendly video available for quiet time. My toddler loves "Cars" and "Toy Story." Really, try to enjoy their energy and curiosity. Twins and toddlers can be great fun.

We have rambunctious 22 month old twin boys, and visiting other people's houses can be ... an adventure. Approach it as a game -- the kids are your frightfully energetic but comically inept adversaries; they seek to capture your TV remote, overturn your faux-Ming vase, and bellyflop screaming down your basement stairs. Your job is to trick them into not doing these things, with a minimum of screaming & tears.

First, find out what your relatives are bringing -- highchairs, cribs, Sesame Street DVDs & a player, gates for doorways & stairs, etc. Asking them will gently remind them to bring everything.

Next, figure out how to corral the kids into one or two rooms where all of you will hang out and socialize - living room/dining room/family room. If you need kid gates to keep them in these rooms, go out and get them - the cost is minor compared to the peace of mind they'll bring. It's amazing how quickly toddlers can move when your back is turned, and twins are especially good at this -- they understand at an early age that while one distracts you, the other can escape.

Make especially sure that any stairways not secure behind a closed door have gates -- most toddlers love stairs, and a fall can be catastrophic.

Back to the corral room(s). Anything the kids can reach will be grabbed at, so clear the coffee table, get stuff off the end tables, put phone & remote & keys up high. Next, figure out what they might climb on & tip over -- plant stands, slender endtables, that nice piece of ceramic sculpture. Then you have electrical cords, every toddler's fave -- more an issue of yanking the lamp off the table than full-on electrocution.

If all this sounds like a pain, it is -- but it's easier than trying to follow the little blighters around and yanking them away from things. Taking something away from a toddler is MUCH more of a problem than keeping them away from it in the first place - horrible screaming will usually ensue. Have something to give them in exchange -- tupperware or rubbery kitchen implements are good. If that doesn't work, toss a dish towel over their head and tickle them, grab the thing away, and turn the whole interaction into a game of peek-a-boo!

Another thing: toddlers put everything in their mouths. So keep an eye out for small objects -- pens, coins, pet food, leaves from houseplants, crap from your purse or bag (don't leave it on the floor or they'll get it for sure).

Be prepared to condon off your pets -- you don't know how the kids will respond initially, you don't know how your pets will respond, and you don't want the kids scratched or bitten.

Ask friends/neighbors with young kids where they take them. Toddlers don't need a lot of playground equipment, just a safe place to run. A back yard can be great, but remember --they will try to run away if they can.

Man, I could go on & on.... hope this helps!

I think you've already received some great advice. We have a nearly 3yo and he's a ball of energy and adventure. He's always been allowed to do things that some kids still aren't allowed to, such as use real glasses and plates, not kiddie plastic ones, or have a wide berth for running at the park. He has boundaries but not as close as some and of course not as wide as others.

When we're visiting I try to follow my host's lead for their rules, unless it's something that we allow and is not harmful to their property (like the butter knife example). I always appreciate if it's clear if something isn't okay that I may think is, like throwing pillows on the floor (which he happens to be doing right now at my MIL's house).

Someone mentioned choosing battles and really it does come down to that sometimes. Other times, as a parent you have to sit down and think about the end result of what you want your child to be and realize that so many things are just not a big deal and that we should allow kids to be kids.

Lots of good advice here. Just a quick idea on an activity: get some cheap-o paintbrushes from Home Depot or wherever, give them little buckets or plastic cups of water, and let them paint outside. My kids love this, it satisfies a creative need, and it's clean and cheap! Also, I think there's a difference between disciplining kids and letting them have their run of the house. I think of disciplining as giving time-outs or other consequences for misbehavior, which I don't want other people to do to my kids, pretty much ever, because that's my job. BUT, it's totally fine to lay the ground rules, issue reminders, and then hit up the parents to respond. Like, "In our house we pick up after we play" or whatever it is that's important to you." I think how you phrase things is pretty key. You don't want to come off like a meanie, so saying things in a cheerful way that's still firm is good. "Let's keep our underwear on, Thing 1 and Thing 2!" Good luck to you! Two is a tricky time but it's really a whole lot cuter than say, nine, when they'll be so spazzy you can't believe it, and half their teeth are missing. Just saying. ;)

I'm a mom of twins and I understand your anxiety! Grab hold of some cardboard boxes big enough for them to climb in and out of on their own. This will keep them busy for quite a while. Throw in some crayons, washable markers, and stickers they can use on the boxes, some old pillows or blankets they can stuff in there, and so on. Boxes are a blast. Also, definitely put away ALL breakables and poisons. Try the top shelf of your closet. Prepare for a hurricane and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. Good luck!

It's very simple, not as complicated as you think it will be.

1. Just put away things you fear losing to breakage.
2. Tell the parents to redirect, and do not judge them. When you have kids, you'll know that overparenting every little thing and fighting every single battle with toddlers are not worth the trouble and do not make you a good parent.
3. If you are already dreading this weekend, then you should decide quickly whether or not to go through with it. If you want family to visit, then open your house and LET GO of all the what-ifs and worries.

I don't have advice to add, but I did want to say good for you for asking. Seriously, prepartion is everything in these situations. I hope you have some fun!

We have 3 boys (8, 6 and 3) and our youngest is like a tornado. If you want to enjoy your visit at all, I would take the suggestions above and invest in a couple of gates if that would work in your space OR clear lots of things out. It is an upfront investment but would save frustration and/or breakage.

And don't be too hard on the parents...it really is an exhausting job to parent toddler boys. They are full of energy and naughtiness. A suggestion I would add to the above is to make an effort to interact and play with your nephews. If you try to let them entertain themselves while the adults relax and chat, trouble will definitely ensue! 2-year old boys are VERY sweet and they would probably love some attention from someone other than Mom/Dad. And Mom/Dad would love you showing the effort to get to know the little ones.

And finally, we always had a terrible time putting our kids to bed in places other than home. Maybe you could offer to snuggle up and read a book to both of them while Mom/Dad has a glass of wine. Wow - Mom/Dad would love you for that one and you would experience one of the greatest bedtime rituals! Good luck and smile!

these suggestions are all great, altho I would personally have no problem w/someone telling my 19 month old NO if he were touching something or doing something in their house that they would prefer he not do... (and then let me take it from there). and i also agree... that the ASKING shows that you're already preparing yourselves even if you're slightly dreading it. planning the attack will win the battle. you really WILL be pleasantly surprised, and i guarantee you'll also have a newfound respect for your binlaw when the weekends over. and bedelia13... what a WONDERFUL suggestion w/the reading (and especially the wine for mommy & daddy)! can we come to visit?

Thank you so much, everybody, for the great advice! I will definitely be taking all of it to heart, and will be looking for fun things for the boys to do while they visit, while looking for things that need to be cleared out/cordoned off for the visit. From hearing all of your comments, I definitely feel a bit more at ease about the visit. And that's one thing I definitely needed!