apartment therapy changing the world, one room at a time

Totally agree. We use a classroom management program at the child development center I work out that runs along the same lines. It's called Conscious Discipline and was created by Dr. Becky Bailey. It's based on the development of a child's brain but also emphasizes the importance of noticing a child (i.e. You slid down the slide and landed on your feet ) rather than judging (i.e. Good job!). It's a very effective program!

My children also attend a program that uses conscious discipline - I am so happy to see someone mention it as it has changes they way my family works.

It really transforms the way we "discipline" not just our children but also ourselves.

go get the book - "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline"

I cannot begin to express how happy I am to hear that people are finally discovering Conscious Discipline! It's what kept everyone sane in my Head Start classroom, and it was so amazing to have a classroom of three-year-olds that would say "I don't like that" versus laying the smackdown on their friends.

Po is not the first. This has been a topic of recent years, and of course overpraise is harmful. You praise the effort, not the end product. You praise the process, the exploration, not the end result.

Po Bronson once said his ideal woman would have a PhD and look like a Playboy Bunny. His views hold little credence with me.

Agree one hundred percent. Having grown up with the opposite and around other kids in "gifted" programs the vast majority of us ended up having a hard time transitioning. Most of use were just average kids that naturally worked a bit harder, and as we got older we all had become desperately afraid to disappoint our parents which effected all our decisions. It really tainted my relationship with my own parents for a while, who where amazing, because in my head I constantly thought they were ashamed of me no matter what.

It is one of those not so obvious obvious things. Kids are smart enough to read between the lines.

While I agree, I feel as though at this stage in my daughter's development I can't praise her enough (she's 2). I tell her why I think what she's done is great. It isn't just, "Wonderful!".

Should I be using a different approach already? If not, when do I begin to transition?

I always thought "good sliding", and other such overpraising was a bit silly. Also, I just generally don't feel the need to comment on every stinking thing my kids do all day, good or bad.
And strangely, my son is a born perfectionist, and any praise, no matter how sincere, freaked him until until he was about 4.5.

I am a teacher in an urban setting, and if anything, specific positive praise works powerfully with a group of students. All I need to say is "Kayla, you are sitting so quietly," and about 10 other students immediately sit straighter looking for me to praise them as well. I can avoid negative correction by simply praising a student who is doing the right thing, which also encourages her to KEEP doing the right thing.

Void praises are just another way to not take care of children. It's not praises that are questionned, but hollow ones.

On the other hand, the constant need of some children to be constantly aknowledged ("look, I'm touching the sand in my sandbox !") can be trying... and I'm only an aunt, and a mother-to-be. I can understand the hollow praises as a way to enjoy five minutes of silence (ok, two).

Loora, you can validate a kid without praising though. Plus, this is the same tactic that builds language. It works well with simple language for kids at the single-word stage ("oh, digging! dig dig!") or more complex language when they're starting to form sentences ("circle, circle, around and around, oh all done with yellow and on to red now?") The kids you describe who constantly need acknowledgment have probably been overpraised.

I think it's important to be mindful of what we're saying to kids and why. If I know that something is hard for a child, sure, I'll tell them I'm really proud. But otherwise, there's no reason to judge what they're doing positively or negatively. Even when we want to give feedback, it's more effective to tell them exactly what we're praising ("you spent a lot of time making that tower") rather than just a blanket approval. If you put yourself in their shoes for a moment, think about how aggravating it is to have a boss who just tells you everything you do is great, without saying what's good and bad about it and without any suggestions. You start to think they're not actually noticing what you do and aren't actually competent at their job. Especially with children who are still learning about their world, "good job" doesn't give much information.

Even for older children & teenagers, "good job" was something they warned us against saying in my teaching program. When they get older, it just sounds hollow, especially for the current batch of children, where self esteem was the major concern and the supposed remedy was constant praise.

Actually, my husband specifically remembers learning sarcasm in third grade due to the environment of constant praise. The teacher would reward the kids if they praised each other, so they soon figured out that saying "good job" after someone whiffed at kickball was both an effective put-down and a way to get rewarded.

Haven't read this book, though it sounds similar in concept to Alfie Kohn, the education reformer who wrote "punished by rewards" -

um, I can't trust anyone who does duckface for the camera.

Are kids so vulnerable that we have to police what we say in praise so closely? This kind of book thrives on our insecurities by amplifying what might be a minor issue into a major problem for our children's ability to flourish.

I'm with you, Suky.

(and you, little green!)

I wouldn't trust someone called "Po"!!!

Suky, I think they are.
I know I was, anyway.

I read the book (and Bronson's widely-cited original article on praise from 2007).

It's a great book. Brief summaries simply cannot do it justice.

If you're parenting right now, you should read it.

Here's my longer review:
http://babytoolkit.blogspot.com/2009/09/recommended-reading-nurtureshock-sent.html

I link to some great summaries/interviews with Bronson that offer a good feel for the book.